Eric Hates You

Built into the genes of every female on the planet is the requirement that as a little girl they dream of being a ballerina while simultaneously believing they will grow up to be a princess, singer, actress, and veterinarian. Years later, when they realize that they weren’t born into royalty, they don’t have perfect pitch, they don’t have any relatives in Hollywood, and veterinarian school is too expensive, they find solace in the fact that clothing designers have created a shoe that can make their childhood dreams come true. This excuse for footwear is second only to the abomination that is Crocs. My male readers may be confused as to what ballet flats actually are. Don’t worry, I had to do a Google search to find out what they were called as well.

My female readers will be angered by this post because they would like to believe that ballet flats are the perfect addition to their wardrobe because they can wear them with any outfit. Wrong. The only situation where ballet flats are appropriate is in ballet class. The only shoe more minimalist than a ballet flat is a sandal and in my opinion, unless you have webbed feet, stick with the sandal. The genius behind this “shoe” is that their lifespan can’t be longer than 2 weeks. I know people who still have the same sneakers they bought 3 years ago but I’ve never seen anyone wear the same pair of ballet flats for longer than a few weeks. This is because the shoe is about as thick as a sock and uses less fabric.

Actual ballerinas must have been pissed when they saw non-ballerinas wearing these shoes for the first time. A shoe that had been exclusive to them for hundreds of years was suddenly ripped away and given to overweight, frumpy, and unattractive females everywhere. I don’t care if they look great with the designer jeans you bought from Macy’s last week; wear something else. I would rather have you wear those stupid Ugg boots, which rank 3rd on my list of terrible footwear, than ballet flats. I realize that there is a tiny percentage of women out there who are actual ballerinas and they are free to wear their ballet flats proudly but if you are not a ballerina, you better hope that you never meet me in real life.