Eric Hates You

Who decided that these are considered acceptable to wear on your feet? Any time I see someone wearing these I want to take one of my real shoes off and beat them in the face with it just to remind them what true footwear looks like. Sure, I’ve worn shoes made completely out of rubber before; I was also 11 and they were called water shoes. Every time I wore them I would get athlete’s foot and when I walked it would sound like an old man eating soup at a deli.

People who wear Crocs also like to point out the numerous benefits of wearing these “shoes”. They are unique in that they have special “nubs” on the footbed that help blood circulation. I think I’ve heard of something that also helps blood circulation. It was called walking. At the same time the rubber Crocs are made of is odor resistant. If you have a problem with foot odor, you probably don’t want to be wearing a “shoe” that you don’t also wear socks with and has holes all over it. I suppose that the largest benefit of Crocs is that they reduce muscle fatigue up to 62.6% more than standing barefoot. I’d like to know how much standing barefoot reduces muscle fatigue. You’d think that sitting or laying down would reduce muscle fatigue 100%. Maybe I’ll invent a product that I can tout does just that. I think I’ll call it a bed. Then again, I can’t remember the last time I was standing barefoot long enough to worry about muscle fatigue and I can almost guarantee you that anything you put on your foot reduces muscle fatigue more than standing barefoot.

I truly have to congratulate the person who invented this gift to humankind. They’ve invented a product that looks like someone threw up on their foot and yet people call it fashionable. And by using creative marketing, they’ve convinced people that wearing plastic on your foot will somehow make your feet smell less, solve your blood circulation issues, and reduce muscle fatigue more than wearing socks and sneakers. Brilliant. I extend every invitation to Crocs, Inc. to send me a pair of their fine product so I can melt them in my oven and make a giant bouncy ball that will make my hands smell better and improve blood circulation while reducing muscle fatigue to my arms.